Finish What You Started

We have arrived at the one thing I have been accused of all of my 51 years of life! "You never finish anything you start!" which leads to (you guessed it) "When are you going to Grow Up?" Am I to assume that you must finish EVERYTHING you start to make you an adult? Are you feeling my pain here folks? Right back to square one:

I would like to take a mulligan on the past 20 years! Actually the question here is "If you could do it all over again,what would you change:?"

Now you know as well as I do, this question is so ass backwards that it hurts. Duh? I would change all the harmful, hurtful, hateful things done by me and to me. Think that's going to happen? NO! and I will tell you why.  Because that is not how God works. Okay I am bringing religion into this, but you believe your beliefs and I will believe in my beliefs which are obviously kind of screwy cause if I really was centered in my religion, I wouldn't be having this conversation! Where was I?

Oh yes, my belief that everybody we meet crosses our path for a reason. Good or bad, the lesson is there. The trick is recognizing it...and I really like most of the people that have come into my life. Some over Facebook, some family, some over the internet, some over the phone. My point is this..(I have to use the G word here so cover up if it's gonna offend you, like a give a rats ass!) God does not lead you where he cannot keep you!

I figure, I took a wrong turn some years back and have to get back on the path to sanity. Listen, we all start something that doesn't get finished. What I am taking out of this is well, this:
I am not going to beat myself up if something does not get done.
I am not going to blame anyone but myself for unaccomplished goals, projects or holidays!
I am not going to stress the fact that I am on the bottom of the totem pole, the shit just rolls down faster!

I am going to clear my head and find my limits. Hell if the credit companies won't extend me a grace period, I'll extend it myself!!! See you all tomorrow!

"I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong." — Lemony Snicket (The Bad Beginning)

 

One Day We All Grow Up!

Into what? Bahahaha! Lord if one more person says that to me, I will surely invite them to cross the line. BAM! Again, I ask you, WHO? Who made these rules that offer nothing but failure? Or sure, some of you are leading exemplary lives of adulthood. Maybe if no one pounded the idea into my head, my head would be straight.

I can't remember if I read this in a fairy tale, no I believe it was told to me by an adult:

         " One day, we all have to grow up!"

See, here's my problem, I've actually never met one yet, an adult, not one that I like anyway. Have you ever noticed that adults make the rules. And then like children, break the rules. We break the rules that we have set for our children and then justify it. What a crock of shit! As adults, we throw tantrums when things don't go our way!

We whisper secrets with our friends. Or in this day and age, we text our secrets to one another. We live for comfort when we can find it, and then like children, we hope against all logic, against all our experiences:
WE HOPE! Like children hoping for a snow day in the middle of Arizona, we hope!

We play games and try to convince our friends to play these games with us. But not all adults like to play games, but have you ever noticed the ones who do play; play to win? As we grow up, the games don't change just the strategies! We pretend to be well so our families don't worry. We lie to our loved ones about where we have been or where we are going. We invent stories as to hide the truth or to cover up our failures.
Oh yes, let me grow up right now, because I want to live my life like this! 

I recently had a run in with an "adult". So what if this adult was married to the adult that I just happened to be receiving "benefits" from. Anyway, this adult had forgotten the golden rule of childhood. I did not want her husband, I did not want her life or her house, hell I didn't even want to live in her state! But the rule she forgot, which I so pleasantly reminded her was this: "Jeez, don't you know how to share?" Sharing. We are taught this at an early age...sharing is caring.

Grow up?? Never. Why is it that men can fall back on the Peter Pan syndrome, while women must be an adult from the womb! My message today is this: I have 20 days to a fresh start, does that mean that I will miraculously grow up? Become responsible~become a productive citizen of society! I believe with all my heart that if I can lay my head down every night and know that I did no harm directly or indirectly, then I am as about as adult and grown up as I am going to get.

" I am not a child, and neither are you, unless of course I am wrong, in which case, welcome to the world, little baby, and congratulations on learning to be a grown up so early in life." The Penultimate Peril, Lemony Snicket

Its all about Lines!

So who do we blame? Our families...can't they either live in Siberia or are dead. Our teachers? Considering they are all dead too...Yes I will blame my teachers. After all weren't they the ones who taught us all about the dreaded "Lines".  
We were told to "color in the lines". The we had to consider the lunch line, waiting in line, return line starts here, punch line? (that one was my favorite) so & so died from snorting a line.  Oh & don't forget to keep your friends in line. 

And then there’s the most important line of all~the line separating you from the people you love.Who needs boundaries when you have siblings, friends, and lovers? The line between myself and the rest of the world does not define my life. It’s all about lines... and on those days that you just want to stay and fight: Drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them.  Because these are the days that you just WISH someone would test you on it.

Um, excuse me, those Lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk.

So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We cant help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once you cross, it’s almost impossible to go back.

NEW to OLD in seconds!

Where was I? oh yes. In 24 hours the NEW was already OLD.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? 

It’s not on the calendar, it doesn't say end this habit and start this one. 

It’s not a birthday. It’s an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally, that gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, a way of letting go of old habits, old memories. Ha..what total idiotic crap!

 

When did I stop believing in a new beginning. When did I stop holding on to what was worth holding on to when I started my yearly kernel memory dump. And then it hit me. I have NOTHING worth holding on to. Exactly what I said...total idiotic crap!

As for the HAPPY in all of this bleary eye reformation: Hmmm? Has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Has it ever occurred to any of you that being grateful is a more meaningful way of recognizing what you have for what it is. Can't any of you admire the struggle it takes just to be human? Maybe Thanksgiving is pre New Year for a reason. Be thankful for what we have. For what is familiar. Be thankful for what we know and perhaps for the things that we will never, in our whole complicated, mortal lives never know! To hell with waiting for January 1st to realize that today...yes today, I did not collapse into a mindless puddle in a downward spiral. The fact that I am still standing; now that..that is reason enough to celebrate.

22 days until I find out who I am?

So let me go back to why this blog was started. I am an average female so I like to think. Last year I became an average single mother female and the who's and why's are not important. Just know that I made so many mistakes in my life that payback was a bitch. Payback right to the Az. Department of Corrections. Well, let's not dwell in the past. But isn't that what we are told over and over and over again. "To be great in the here and now...one must deal with their past?"

And here I am....I can't get to the fricken here and now, because my past keeps creeping up and biting me in the ass. AND IT HURTS!!! I recently made a funny on Facebook with this status 

...Bitter but very hot, successful middle aged loser in marriage, wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness. Looking for 24-38 year old needy leech-like, mama's boy, hanger-on, can't keep a job or money in the bank. Want to abuse with dull stories, steaming sex and Herb Alpert albums. Apply here...

Can you guess how many applied?? Two, dos. One didn't count because he has had a job for over 5 years but wanted to know if I would take him based on the fact that I was being discriminating. Moi? Honey, when you get to be my age, we take ALL applications. Then I find out: 'oh wait, I did move back in with my mom last year so does that count?' Asshole! there that qualifies you.  Anyway where was I....ok

I had a wonderful phone relationship with a married man who was in a state that is 3000 miles away. 12 years younger and moved my cougar status to number one! And when I say "phone" yeah...you guessed it..Tiger Woods phone type, Brent Favre phone type. Something we older women like to call: He's my best friend with benefits!" We hooked up twice and at the time I was having the time of my life...I was so scandalous...I was the "Dirty Mistress" and really enjoyed my role. And then someone accused me of becoming the "Happy Homewrecker" and I had to nip that in the but. Oh yeah....it was his wife...(snickering)...So here I am...trying not to stalk him...because if you have to stalk someone they were never yours to begin with...I repeat...here I am. 22 days till my fresh start. 22 days till I get all the stinky thinking out of the cobwebs and really make this New Year....well A New Year!!! 

Ahhh. well, friends, I leave you with this thought:

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like."
— Lemony Snicket

 

MommyVoNuff's Freebie Frenzy: GIVEAWAY: Win a $5 Starbucks Gift Card! 3 winners!

MommyVoNuff's Freebie Frenzy: GIVEAWAY: Win a $5 Starbucks Gift Card! 3 winners!

23 days to a Fresh Start-Again

It’s hard to resist: the chance for a new beginning. The NEW YEAR, the day of chance! Like the CHANCE card on a Monopoly Board. The chance to put the problems of last year to bed. The chance to make amends. Oh yes: A FRESH START! 

 

But there is a small, yet significant difference between the word and its meaning. I mean Think about it: IT'S NOT FRESH! It's staleness at its peak. Like day old bread, only a day, and the old stench, the old, musty stench, puts the FRESH START to rest, where it will lay dormant. Neither pushing forward nor holding back. Letting its o-c-d roommate: "rhetoric bullshit" rule the roost...that is until next year. And you convince yourself that the day is coming..the day of Chance! The New Year...

So here we are, December 9, 2010 and the conundrum is this: My life has had an abundance of fresh starts. In fact you might say years of them.  Wait for it... Not one fresh start ever stuck around long enough to stay fresh.  In 24 hours the NEW is already OLD.

23 Days to change the magnetic field of negative and create a new and formidable Fresh Start that will stay fresh! Can I do it, I ask the ones who know me best...can my day of chance cocoon into a day of grounded change? Well, that is what we will find out....A Series of Unfortunate Events has led me here and so I dedicate this blog to one of my childhood literary favorites: Lemony Snicket.

Each blog will end with a passage of wisdom taken from a random volume. Oh and how appropriate that today's quote comes from:Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid.  Karma can be a mother of a bitch! 

 

 

"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."